Right now, this very minute, my marriage looks like waiting. I sit here in the waiting area of a physical therapy center while my husband works to strengthen his recently-repaired shoulder. He does not have clearance to drive, so I play chauffeur for him, taking him where he needs to go. To the post office next. I think he has a stop at a store in mind, too. I do not know what he may decide later, but I will make myself available when he asks.
Many things in the world have skewed our view of what relationships look like and, to a smaller degree, how we should feel and should act within a marriage relationship. For instance through the magic of Hollywood, we watch and hear what comes to the surface in "relationships" -- the obvious, the facade -- without a clue about the inner workings that don't exist anyway, except in a script. We measure our success by a false or invisible scale.
Movies or books do not depict waiting, at least the kind I do. Lying in wait? Yes, they corner the market on that, for the chance to even the playing field or to set a trap for someone. But not waiting, serving, and showing the love that gives us the ability to wait in these small but important marriage-nurturing ways.
My marriage does not look, feel, or sound like the renditions on the screen with a hero and heroine sprinting along, firing at the enemy expertly, without tripping over rocks or furniture, and without smudging her make-up. We, my husband and I, are quite scarred, actually, and we trip and stumble sometimes. Our marriage did look like a tragedy for a season, and our version of it wreaked havoc like no other deception outside the movie theatre can. Neither of us won in the struggle, neither of us felt happy or hopeful. Neither of us had a script or any direction other than self-preservation and search for happiness we didn't know how to have. We filled the holes in our lives with alternate and opposite "fill" -- from coping mechanisms to activity that fulfilled us in other ways to fill the void we offered each other.
When we called on God, he shaped us very quickly in some ways and very slowly in others. We learned to refocus on acting in love and in learning how to hear rather than to just listen, to see rather than to just look, and to respond in love rather than to react.
Unlike what we see on the silver or television screens, my husband and I do not share equal physical strength, nor do we share the same mental or social abilities. Our spiritual development differs. Our emotional make-up stands opposite the other in many ways, and walks hand-in-hand in other ways. We complement each other, each filling in the gaps where the other needs a little help, and doing it selflessly, for the good of the other person. When we do this, we both win and we grow closer in oneness. Nothing feels like achieving oneness as husband and wife. Nothing can, you see, because God wrote it this way.
Interesting, isn't it? They keep remaking movies to improve upon some aspect or another, or to update the story. Yet, the Bible stays the same. The ideals and how-to of marriage hasn't changed. Thought-provoking? No. Action-provoking, I say.
And the waiting?
In the past few weeks, women have offered my support in prayer. I welcome that kind of uplifting act, but the support they offer comes in the form of sympathy. They do not want to have to serve their husbands in the same way, to fall into a role of "servant" which looks, to their way of seeing it, like real slavery. At his beck and call? Are you kidding?
Like the Hollywood deception of relationships, many women have skewed perspectives because of what they believe socially true. They buy the idea that men want to rule over women in a dictatorial way, and that every request for help or suggestion for improvement means another step toward male dominance.
Feminism/Women's Rights has put these ideas into the fish pond and women have reeled them in as "keepers" without bothering to measure them against the Ruler of Truth. Many women have accepted the ideas of the Feminist Movement simply -- and sometimes ONLY -- because the ideas come from women. We esteem our kind, and we have bonds the same way men do -- but they come in the form of human bonds, not holy ones. The concept that we women should stick together ... really? For what purpose? To form a culture of women only? No, thanks. Women don't often work well together for very long, and they star in far too many reality shows based on these dysfunctional relationships. I would rather not perpetuate the kind of thinking that we see on the screen in the present day. Entertainment value? Nil. Voyeuristic value? Skyrocketing. And, they show lots of action. Very little waiting.
Really, we need to check those human bonds carefully, measure them against the Word of God, and adjust those that fail to measure up to that standard. I believe most of us would find ourselves far less tied to social mores and find ourselves moored safely to the Lord, in whom we can put our whole trust in this life and marriage endeavor.
In my current role as driver and care-give-as-needed, some of the women who respond with sympathy edge past the aspect of my serving role and move right on to asking, "How will you stand having to go everywhere together and be in the same room so often?" How will I make it through the days having him nearby every minute, or for more minutes than usual?
Well, it's like this. When you begin using that Ruler of Truth (Bible) in respect to what you let into your life (thought and action) and marriage, you begin to have a new perspective. You start to see the world's view for what it is -- grasping at straws and hoping for impossible perfection. You begin to want to spend more time together and avoid filling your schedule with activities that keep you apart. My husband and I look for time every day to spend together. We know when we haven't found enough of it, and we look for ways to make more of it -- time together renews and strengthens us, and bonds us in new ways.
When using the Truth to measure, you begin to think differently. You think of your husband and why he might act a little off his game today. You ask him why he seems distracted or disgruntled, rather than assume it, because you focus on serving him and understanding him first, instead of jumping the gun to figure out his problems for him. When he rejoices, you rejoice. You begin to feel each other's emotional pulse more strongly and you learn to take that pulse and work to serve in whatever way the other needs.
When you tune into your husband, take the time to wait for him and on him, you find that:
You wait for the answer he will give.
You learn patience in the waiting.
You discover more ways to serve him while you wait for him in these moments.
You don't have to sit in a waiting room to do this. You can be in your office at work, in the laundry room at home, at the kitchen sink, in the grocery store, at church, in the home of a friend -- you can position yourself anywhere and wait on your husband. It all has to do with how you let yourself think. When you keep your focus on serving your husband through the focusing lens of God, you will get this waiting thing down and find so much purpose and success in it, you'll invite the opportunity.
What does your marriage look like today? Are you waiting?
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Anticipate Your Husband
Are You in Control?
Dealing with Clutter in Marriage
Distractions in Life and the Marriage Effect
Recognizing Your Husband's Strengths
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