Running Spouses and How to Catch Them

Running spouses don't learn to fix what is broken or heal wounds repeatedly laid bare, turning to flee before understanding that they are carriers.

While that may sound confusing, breaking it down in smaller parts sheds light on the very grey areas of marriage failure, and repeat marriage failure.

The nutshell, first.  Men and women must learn about marriage and how it works so they do not repeat the same attitudes, actions, comments and ideas that put them in harms way in the first place.

Now, for the break-down:

Running spouses.  A husband or wife who jumps and runs from trouble in marriage.  He may go only as far as the other side of the room, but the behavior creates distance that doesn't narrow without working together to make it happen.  The running spouse threatens to leave when arguments repeat.  The running spouse threatens to leave when he doesn't get his way, when the other spouse doesn't understand/can't translate his ravings and demands.  The running spouse usually has some anger issues brought by inability to control situations.  Running away is quicker, easier and, in his mind, effective.

You have to stop the running and also stop the threat of running.  This will require some discussion, and it's a great idea to ask, "Why do you feel like leaving?"  Be prepared for talking through whatever answers you receive -- the truth is in there somewhere, and by talking it out, you and your spouse will find it.  The main thing is to stop the desire to flee and learn to face the issues that divide you.  You can work on any issue -- but not when one of you is on the other side of the house or the town.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”

James 1:2-3

Fix what is broken.  If you have repeat arguments, feel that you walk on eggshells most of the time so as not to upset your husband, and feel more discontentment than contentment, you have something broken.  The most common marital dysfunction is communication.

I haven't read a marriage "fixer-upper" book yet that hasn't had a huge portion dedicated to communication.  Communication runs the show because everything we do, think, act and say has to do with how we "perform" it -- verbal, nonverbal and attitude status all hinge on communication.  You communicate through your eyes, your body language, your tone of voice and your words.  You communicate, also, by how you listen.

So, what to do? Improve listening skills -- focus on understanding the speaker
in small amounts,
on only ONE ISSUE at a time.

Next, improve speaking skills.  Speak to be understood.  Don't accuse, don't degrade, don't blame and don't show anger as much as possible (when you do, agree to take a break, calm down, start again).  Stick to the facts.  You will want to use the "I feel ____" way of speaking and practice it often.  This means to make every effort to leave out the words, "You make me feel ______," and replace them with,
"I feel unloved/like I don't matter/frustrated/angry/as if I can't connect with you when you _______, and I want to work on that with you." Speak to show that you care and that you want to change your marriage for the better.

One spouse or the other may bring up an issue about once a week, which Dr. Gary Chapman structures well in his book, "Now You're Speaking My Language".  This book saved our floundering communication at our house.  Let it be the lifeboat in yours, too.

Heal wounds repeated laid bare.  When spouses avoid arguing simply to avoid stressful experiences, they miss the opportunity to find healing grow intimacy that comes through working toward understanding and resolution. Avoidance allows difficulties to mount, thereby increasing feelings of failure, irritation, distrust and doubt. Old wounds remain untended.  Wounds can't heal without fresh air, and that means letting them out -- addressing them.  Hard?  Yes!  Hurtful?  You bet!  The first time out won't necessarily feel easy or great, but when you really begin to listen, speak and bring out what hurts so your spouse can help you heal, you will find joy, peace and hope.

Repeatedly opening old wounds comes from avoidance. The arguments repeat themselves, the denials and inability to hear over one's own ideas churning in his mind don't allow successful discussion. Wars of words repeat. Neither party feels heard. These things help to build resentment.

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;  II Corinthians 4:8-9

Resentment is a large hurt that continues to build until we look at each brick that has built the wall.  It's made up of a hundred little things that only the person who built it knows.  The other spouse may not even remember inflicting the hurt, and more often than not, does not realize he did any hurting at all.  The resentment feels like a protective barrier to many spouses, but in reality, it brings only repeated hurt.  Listen, talk, and break down the wall to get rid of that huge thing you keep banging your head on every time you argue!

Turning to flee.  The fact that a couple has to stop the running or the threat of running already has a good mention here.  It bears repeating, though, in that by having that "easy out", the runner makes it harder and harder for the non-running spouse to have any trust or belief that the marriage can improve.  Hearing the words ,"I have to get out of here," leads the listener to think that she has no way to improve the situation.  Why bother trying if all he ever does is throw up his hands in disgust and run away?

Rerun this one.  Don't run.  Don't allow the idea to enter your mind, your attitude, or your conversation.  Eliminate it now.  Learn to confront the troubles, not the person.  Stick to the facts of the matter.  Don't accuse, don't blame.  Listen and speak effectively.  Take the time to relearn how to communicate.  You have to be present to do this.

The only thing to run from is the desire to run!

So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. 2 Timothy 2:22

Understanding that they (we) are carriers.  We all understand how illness moves between people.  One person coughs, germs fly through the air, others catch those germs and may pass them to still more people.  Sometimes, people can be "carriers" of illness or disease, like Typhoid Mary, and not realize they're the start of all the trouble, or at least a very likely contributing factor.  Many spouses fall onto the Typhoid Mary side of the line.

When a spouse has not detected his or her bad habits in marriage, or has not owned up to failings that a husband or wife may recognize -- not the small, irksome quirks, but the unexamined issues that cause struggle, poor communication and building of resentment -- the marriage relationship will not improve and heal well or at all.  Should the running never stop and turn to divorce, chances that a future relationship will begin to follow the same path -- more running and other issues -- seems inevitable.

A dear friend of mine, struggling with a running husband, asked me recently, "If my marriage ends, how will I ever have a new relationship if my husband won't tell me what it is I do that bothers him so much?"

This is the question that should end any need to discuss this further.  If spouses don't talk about important issues that arise in their marriage, how will they learn about themselves?  Self-assessment goes a long way, but a husband knows a wife in ways no one else does, and likewise does a wife know her husband.

In every one of these areas of change, the first step remains PRAYER.  If you don't bring God into the equation, you will lean on human abilities which, at best, offer frailty and confusion when things don't go as you hope.  Pray, pray, pray and pray again.  Never stop praying for your marriage, your spouse, your family, your daily decisions and your very existence.  Want to run?  PRAY.  Want to give up?  Pray.  Feel the need to blame or accuse?  Pray.  It works.

Stop the running from your marriage needs ... cold turkey.  Start building communication in small ways and grow it every day.  Make time to learn about yourself through the eyes of your spouse.  Self-assess, work toward better listening and speaking.  Read, learn and try new avenues to improve your relationship.  Godly avenues.  Avoid the world's suggestions to focus on yourself.  The Bible teaches us to put ourselves last ... it's the rule in everything, and it works.

The only running anyone should do in marriage requires good, comfortable running shoes.  First things first.  Get in shape in your marriage -- it comes first.  Always.

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